Going Around the Email - Really Clever

I don't know who wrote these but they are priceless:



I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing.



More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story

That's not only better, but also more directly involves me.



Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.



I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?



Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.



I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.



The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.



Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.



There is a great need for sarcasm font.



Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.



I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's

laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.



How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?



I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.



I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.



The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.



A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.



Was learning cursive really necessary?



Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".



I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.



Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.



My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.



Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".



How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?



I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!



While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.



MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.



Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.



I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.



Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.





I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.



Bad decisions make good stories



Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!



Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?



If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.



Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....



You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.



Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.



There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.



I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.



"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.



I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pessure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we

Weren't watng this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'



While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are so executed.



I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?



I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.



When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.



I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.



Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...



As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.



Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.



It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.



I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.



I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.





Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.



Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...



My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?



It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.



I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.



I think the freezer deserves a light as well.



I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.



The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to

think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

The Sympathetic Other Woman Survey

age =: 41

name for married lover: Jo

make up a name for you: Mary

how did your relationship get started =: A music audition in 2002. He (aged 42 then) a very level-headed, intresting, learned, encouraging fun person to be around. We struck up a really good friendship, sharing fuel money he gave me a lift to our weekly music rehearsals as he would pass the top of my road and the venue was quite some distance away. Over time we would talk about anything and everything, never a dull moment just great company... but him definately "not my type".. so I thought! > a devout vegetarian, non-smoking-drinking-caffeine-free, well over 6ft tall (I am only 5ft 1")and fashioning John Lennon type spectacles.


At a friends party where he was playing (summer 2003) the next day amidst tents and log fires we had the most amazing BIG hug, little did I know, nor he I'm sure that this would be the 1st of so many, after that - everytime we met up or said farewell we would hug, it was lovely.

Sadly in 2004 he left our misic scene to concentrate on another music project but we (9 musicians) had for that year been putting down music and lyrics to make a cd, he had a recording studio at his house. Throughout the autumn and into December, the hugs became longer, more intense and harder to pull away, I did tell him that I had fantasised about him on occasion and his hugging me close confirmed that surely this must be ok?


how long did it last =: Our friendship started in 2002 and became physical in 9th January 2005 until 29th June 2008..(3 and a half years)


how did it end =: Terribly! If being completely cut off can be called an ending?
He and his wife bought a motorhome and went travelling in January 2008 for 6 months and we (friends and relations etc) would recieve emails of their whereabouts and what they had seen and done.


Painful as it was for me and I didn't know when he would return as we had left the relationship "open".. the emails and IM's and texts started to come from him, telling me how much he missed and loved and so wanted to be with me around March time while he was in France then Spain then Portugal.


In May he sent word that they were returning and he asked that I book us somewhere for a few days so that we could be together.. be complete!


Arriving back 5th June 2008, we decided to wait and meet up at the beautiful converted barn I had booked for the Midsummer weekend 20th-22nd June 2008.
Too painful for me to put down still.. it was wonderful, soulmates, lovers like no others and complete > then it was time to go back to reality!


I could go on and on and on some more but what trnspired was that he told his wife he had fallen in love with me and he wanted me to be in his life ( he really thought she would understand and allow this, brave man eh? ) No! She said she would resent this and he flipped I guess in realisation.. he didn't need to work, monies were invested in the house and he was "comfortable" and his mother-in-law had given them £50.000.


I went to see him ( he alone at his parents and his wife gone to her mothers as they were renting their house while travelling ) the day after he disclosed our relationship and it was heartbreaking, I tried to touch him and he asked me not to, I shaking and fighting nausea.. he picked up his guitar and played songs, songs that meant so much to us whilst tears streamed down our faces. The phone rang and it was Relate, I had no idea that in just those 24hrs they were on the road to reconciling.. I walked away


would you do it again = : With him? Given a chance...Yes! I know, love and understand him more than anyone, we were tranparent with everything that we said and did.

never done this before =: Yes, he had a brief affair with a woman that I know years back, she never recovered and a divorce came soon after. Also a one night "touch and feel" with a musician friend... both previous to myself.
Funny thing is, he is so honest about himself and thats the part I loved so much

did he have any kids =: No children, he had the snip years back

did you know his wife before or gret to know her?: Sure, I knew his wife. I quite liked her, but didn't take the time in getting to know her, she is quite learned also but childlike and naive in the "worldly" sense,few friends and a recluse in a way. Together they are a strange pair really, more a brother and sister relationship, she has a few mental issues and fibromyalgia and sex or communication at times were limited... not a good recipe for a very passionate man I guess.

did you ever contact his wife = : Certainly I tried to contact her when all went "tits up!" Instead I ended up meeting her mother at her house as ("they" has gone away)and giving my side of the story all copies of emails, dvd's we had made and every momentoe I had.
I look back and think it partly shitty but mostly in truth, that all should be known.

spend a lot of money on you =: No, he is very careful with money, he bought me an icecream once and paid for a meal on our "weekend" together.

what did he promise you =: That he would love me forever and we would NEVER say goodbye...

did you want to marry him or just have the affair =: Marry him? No way... he'd drive me nuts!!
But to be in his life, we were magical together - continuing the affair would have been wonderful, but love and wanting to be together more and more drove him away.

are you still in contact with him = : On our years anniversary I received 4 anonymous emails over a week >>

1 : Hi ****

Ted Kennedy, Horoscope, A Sweet Soul Ascends

What was Senator Kennedy here to accomplish. This is revealed by the Dragon's Head in karmic astrology.

You be the judge. Did he get the job done?

Traditionally the Dragon’s Head in Pisces connotes an individual with great vitality and good fortune with children. The Dragon’s Tail in Virgo indicates trouble with the mental side of life. It may mean a hyper critical attitude that leaves no room for appreciation of beauty.

In past lifetimes, you were uber picky, even judgmental, and you bring this perspective with you into this incarnation. But it will pass away as you grow older. The longer you live, the more you will realize how rigid you have been. There is a world beyond what you can sense, and following the information you receive from your higher guidance will allow you to transcend the limits that have kept you in a prison of your own making.

Your need for structure is so great that you may make yourself sick with tension. You are prone to bouts of nervousness and irritability. There is only one cure: plunge into the cosmic ocean. Stop thinking and start feeling. Here is where your healing begins. You are probably asking yourself as you read this, “How does that work?” You must avoid exactly that type of analysis if you are to find happiness in this world.

You were born with an innate sense of danger. You are distrustful of the world and question the qualifications of experts and others who attempt to make sense of our physical surroundings. You may even fear that everything foreign brings disease. The only antidote is faith.

Many people with this node placement have sexuality issues. T hey may be physically present but emotionally absent during intercourse. You may go through periods of sexual deprivation.


You incarnated to ponder the mystery of how each individual is part of the Cosmic Whole. Each person is a cosmos unto himself, yet each is a discrete and unique piece of the universe. You must stop perceiving separateness and meditate on interconnectivity. If you are stubborn and resist this lesson, all your carefully laid plans will fall apart.

At your worst, you are stubborn and scattered at the same time. You are incapable of setting priorities, and may have self-destructive tendencies. Perhaps in childhood you were shamed or taught guilt, for it is typical of Pisces North Noders to live with such feelings buried deep inside them.

At your best you are a healer, using means metaphysical or conventional, such as Mary Baker Eddy, Edgar Cayce, Florence Nightingale, and Jonas Salk, who share this node placement. Or you might use the energy to reach out to others in distress, like Pisces North Noders Bob Geldof and Dian Fossey.

Sadly, many people with this node are so critical that they do not even like themselves. This makes relationships difficult, for no matter who you are with, you are always there, too. It is not uncommon for these individuals to become workaholics, which allows them to avoid relating for the most part, or to stay in destructive relationships since they are so terrified of being alone. In addition, an unbalanced Virgo South Node person may be bigoted, impossible to please, critical of others, and petty.

Water sports, especially fishing, may enhance your life greatly. Magic or the arts are also good. Imaginative writing can be beneficial, as well as an interest in medicine or literature. Good jobs for you include sales, painting, interior decorating, chef, and gymnast. Avoid any career which requires you to focus too heavily on details.

It is important that you come to accept yourself as you are and to ponder your place in this vast universe of ours. You fear emotional connections with others, yet this is your path to enlightenment. Feel. Have faith. Trust in your instincts. Do this and you will achieve your greatest potential: saving others.

Order your report todayy.

Provide date of birth

"The Other Woman" Survey

age =: 48

name for married lover: James

make up a name for you: Jillian

how did your relationship get started =: we're both teachers at the same high school. We were friends for a year first.

how long did it last =: It has been going on for one year now

how did it end =: It hasn't ended but is a bit rocky at the moment.

would you do it again = : yes. i love him.

never done this before =: He said he had done it before but it was "very minor" compared to what we have.

did he have any kids =: He has three kids. A son, 23 and living at home, a daughter in her junior year at college, and a son just graduated from high school and living at home.

did you know his wife before or gret to know her?: Met his wife briefly once when I bumped into both of them while shopping.

did you ever contact his wife = : never contacted his wife

spend a lot of money on you =: never spent money on me. no need to.

what did he promise you =: promised me nothing but great sex and friendship.

did you want to marry him or just have the affair =: I tell him I want to just continue the affair, but deep down I would love to see him get divorced.

are you still in contact with him = : I see him every day at school. His classroom is only two doors down from mine.

did you have an abortion or a child =: no

did you date others =: nothing serious. a dinner here and there.

what advice would you give someone who is considering an affair? = : Be prepared for your heart to be completely shattered and your life to become a roller-coaster of emotion.

what advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair =: Leave him! Even if he says he'll never do it again, he most definitely will as soon as he feels the coast is clear.

why do you tnink men have affairs =: He said the sex had become infrequent. She is deeply religious and he wants more exciting sex.

did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing -: no. i simply enjoy every moment i have with him.

where how often regularly =: Every day in my classroom at school and always at my house for actual intercourse. Last year we met regularly for sex, about once or twice every couple of weeks, sometimes more. This school year his coaching schedule is crazy. I don't know when I will be able to have sex with him---it will be random.

did you tel did you tell friends or relatives =: I broke down and told a friend at school. Their reaction was that he is only using me and playing with my emotions.

what did you learn =: I have learned that I am indeed nothing more than a trainwreck continuing to smolder.

A Reading with Nancy

"Thank you so much for your insight tonight. As always, you have the ability to whoosh away the fog and let in clear thought. Everything just rang so true and felt so right. I could just envision everything you suggested."
MC in Chicago

Stressed?

[C]hronic stress reduces cellular plasticity (including neurogenesis), which might make us (and mice) more likely to settle into familiar ruts and routines. The end result is that people stick with the very behaviors that created the stress in the first place.

Jonah Leher, Wired
See also: http://scienceblogs.com/cortex/2009/08/the_stress_spiral.php

That's why a change of scene is so powerful. Inner change of mental landscape with meditation. Outer change with travel.

Pisces and Virgo

Pisces, the Dreamer, with Saaturn in Virgo, learns the virtues of work (Virgo). Work = Sanity
[from a reader]

?Nancy, I didn't mean to leave the impression that I was mad about having to keep working. The truth is, it's a lifesaver, and I mean that literally. I remember when I was young I could spend hours looking at the clouds in the sky or at blades of grass, and it was like time didn't really exist. Even in my 20s and 30s, I used to love to come home to a quiet apartment, turn in the TV, and spend the rest of the day watching it and listening to music. I was like a fish in a bowl of water. But on my 41st birthday, the day of my breakup with Xxx, things abruptly changed. I found that I could no longer stand to have time on my hands and nothing to do. I dreaded approaching the door of my apartment. I was now a fish OUT of water. I kept thinking about what I should have said or shouldn't have said, or what I should have done or shouldn't have done. So I am indeed grateful for having a job, not that I particularly like the work and though I know it's costing me money each day I do work, and it's probably even dangerous to work, so that my mind doesn't have to be constantly filled with those terrible thoughts."


Do you have planets on the Virgo Pisces axis? Do you identify with this statement?

Zodiac Sign T raits

They visiited www.zodiacsigntraits.com :

"This is a great site, Nancy. I read the Leo man and Gemini woman compatability. It was dead on. Congrats on an excellent site!!!!"

"The Scorpio Man-Pisces Woman description is great. I'm a Pisces woman that's been with a Scorpio man for almost 12 years and you described our dynamic very well. This part is especially accurate: "Degree of Passion: This is one relationship where Scorpio is willing to show his tumultuous passions. Pisces provides the oceanic depths for him ... Read Moreto float on comfortably. He will be willing to reveal layer upon layer of feeling which he usually keeps to himself. His guard drops as she soothes and comforts him, reassuring the scorpion that all his secrets are fine with her. As his fears alleviate, his behavior becomes increasingly more romantic and passionate."

"Virgo Man Capricorn Woman ... has been one of the best compatibility reports I’ve read for this combination, and one of the most poignant portrayals of myself I’ve read, and I’ve been reading astrology since I was a teenager. Thank you!


Use the site to pre-select a mate as well1

9th House History

It occurred to me that the election of our 44th president ended our karma as a British colony. The European countries didn't have slavery; they stuck that on their coloonies.

Julia Child's Astrology Chart

I think Julia Child's show the painfulness of Saturn on the Ascendant and how to rise above it [awkwardness, speech imppediment, and other physical attributes challenging to overcome].

Baby P

This is a morphed imagine of me and my Beloved, if we were to have had a child together. I did this on www.morphthing.com for free.

About Your Astrologer

From a client ... "As I said before I know a thimble full and I can see the layers and the depth you need to know...you deserve the prices you charge."

Annie Liebovitz and John hughes -Boomers Bust

Nancy R. Fenn


Annie Liebovitz, 59, and John Hughes, d., 59, have had the worst kind of second Saturn Return. If you are between the ages of 58 and 60 like these two boomers, contact me for a free mini second Saturn Return reading nancy@bemyguide.net .

I am probably the best Saturn Return astrologer you will ever find. This is my specialty. I'd love to be your astrologer. Give me a chance to impress you with a FREE mini reading about this life changing transit. Complete thos form and submit www.bemyastrologer.com/form.html

The Astrological Sarah Palin

From a Reader

Nancy...was looking for info on Palin's chart and found you in my Google search. You wrote the following on Sept 1.

"No I would not say she's lucky except in the sense of lucky fluke (Uranus) and I'll tell you why. Because even this much is going to cost her something very precious as a person and that is because it is actually a bit off her path. She has karma going on here. What seems so lucky now will probably result in a complete self-destruct later on and an abrupt end to her career. Do you doubt? Well, nothing is certain but perhaps some things are written. As an astrologer I can't be more specific about the events that will occur but only that they will."

I was actually looking to see if I could find a valid birth time. I was working on a transit chart for someone who has Uranus transiting her 10th house. I was reading Robert Hand's interpretation and the moment I read "You may be tempted to throw the whole job over, to quit and start off in a new direction." The image of Palin popped into my head so strongly that I wondered if she might have Uranus transiting her tenth house right now. Saturn opposing Uranus would be in her 4th house indicative of her family issues.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I find you comments from Sept 1 on target!

Michael Jackson and The Elephant Man

I think for a deeper understanding of VIrgo/Uranus/Pluto drive to perfection andUranus denial of the natural human, in Michaell Jackson consider this quote by the man on Oprah: " That's another stupid story [that he tried to buy John Merrick's skeleton]. I love the story of the Elephant man. He reminds me of me a lot, and I could relate to it. It made me cry because I saw myself in the story, but no, I never asked for the—[skeleton]...." How revealing and it's an incredible movie.

Merrick died at the approach of his first Saturn Return. I think Dr. Trevves was an INFP.

Free eZine Mailing List

I lost my free ezine mailing list -- I send out timely updates to clients. I am recreating it from memory. If you want on please let me know.