Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Sympathetic "Other Woman" Survey

name for married lover: Romeo

make up a name for you: Juliet

how did your relationship get started =: I am a veterinary technician, he was the doc and owner of the practice. I was married for 12 years and my husband was abusive. Not that this is any excuse. I was going through an emotional struggle. I had tried to leave 2 other times and stayed bc he promised to change. He just continued to be the same. I was hurting and hated going home bc I knew it was tense. I loved my job. We had recently moved to this new town to get a new start, so I left my job of 10 yrs and started working for Romeo. Things just went back to the way they were and I knew no one out here in the country. I became really good friends withthe girls at work and really began to respect the doc. When I first interviewed w/ him I thought he was very strange. Months later we became close, joking with one another, talking over surgery and he taught me a lot of things about the business and in depth things about surgery and so on. Although I have been in the field for 10 years, I didn't work much with the surgeries. Needless to say, we all began going out on thurs nights for an hour or so. The doc bought us all a round of drinks and we would chat, play pool and just relax. It was nice to get away.

Romeo had a lot of respect for me, I brought a lot of ideas to his business from the large practice I worked at before, and helped out with client services and how to educate clients better to get them to use all of his services. We just made a good team, and became best friends over time and one night it happened. We both had made flirtation jokes, but I had a few drinks and spilled my guts a little that if he wasn't married...and then he kissed me. The next working day was weird bc we were not sure what the other was going to say. It just went on from there. It was exciting and I enjoyed being appreciated.

Over time, I fell deeply in love with him more and more as days went on. As far as his wife goes, the truth is I could never stand the way she acted towards him. There were times she would come in their with his best friend and they would come up front together (the friend)and were all over each other. She didn't talk to her husband very respectful either. I jsut felt like we shared this together, the lack of appreciation and disrespect from our spouses. I am a very sensitive person, and I am very compassionate. I am not a mean person, I swear! I have times where I feel so bad about this, and then other times I feel bad for him. I do understand why this happend. We were both emotionally unhappy in our marriages.

Needless to say, we were caught by my husband. I had already told him I wanted a divorce, he moved out. One day he left work early and came back to the house and we were "together". It was humiliating, embarassing, scary and regretful. It has been almost 2 years now, and we are still together. My divorce has been final for a while, but his is still going on. She is dragging it out and has pulled some nasty tricks on him. They both have businesses, so there is a lot to settl!
e. They went through counseling and were going to try to work it out, I lost my job of course. I have been supportive of whatever he needs to do. I do not like being the cause of the divorce. I just want him to be happy, even if that means with her. I do truly believe he loves me, and I do not think he wants to be with her. She uses scare tactics and guilt and belittling him to do the right thing and not divorce. I do understand I really have no right to get mad bc I did this to myself. I have broken it off with him and told him he needs to decide what he really wants and I should not be in the way if he loves her. He just comes back pleading his love for me and he wants to be with me, he just hates hurting her and needs to be easy with her. They do not live together and haven't for over a year. He still jumps through hoops to please her if she makes a request, even if it means me sitting at home alone. I suppose this is what I get. I didn't do this to be malicious. I truly love this man and would do anything for him. When we are together, it is just wonderful. It isn't forced, it is just natural for us. We enjoy each others company. We can not say anything and just sit and hold hands and it just feels right no matter what we are doing. I have to say, I am having my doubts now about the relationship. I am getting impatient and feeling guilty that the divorce is still not final. I am wondering if maybe his feelings are stronger than he realized and he just doesn't know which way to go.

He is 25 yrs older than me and this bothers him. I get a lot of flack for it from others, so does he. Mainly our ex's. She tells him he is an old man and looks silly walking around with me. Anyway, I would do anything for him. Including walking away peacefully if he wants to work things out with his wife. It will hurt, but I would not want to be the choice he regrets. Honestly, I feel bad for the situation bc it has hurt so many people. Including myself. This has been one of the most painful experieces of my life. However, I do not regret my own divorce, it should have happened a long time ago. I just want peace in my life. I am so torm on whether to walk or hold on. He tells me he is going through with this divorce and he can't live without me. He has tried and everytime he tries to, he realizes how much he loves me. I sometimes feel foolish like it is never going to happen. As you can tell, I am very hurt and confused and do not know what to do. I do not want to lose his love, at the same time I do not want to be taken for granted.

would you do it again = : If this does not work out, I assure you I will never cross that line again. I would not even date a man who is going through divorce, ever!

never done this before =: No, he had stepped out of the marriage once before. He was upfront about this.

did he have any kids =: His kids are older and out of the house.It would not have mattered.
did you know his wife before or gret to know her?: I knew his wife from coming into the office, and she went out with us all one evening. She was very snobby from day 1, and thought of us employees as just nobody's. She was very short with all of us as if we were stupid.

did you ever contact his wife = : I would never contact her. It is not my place.

spend a lot of money on you =: I am just a simple girl. I am not into expensive things. He takes me to dinner and he has bought me things, but I really just enjoy his time!

what did he promise you =: Things would be ok.
did you want to marry him or just have the affair =: I would love to marry him. I do not think he is a bad guy, and I do not think he is a player. I think he is a respectable man that is tired of being worn down and degrated. Nothing he does is evern good enough for her. I do not hear this from him, I have seen it with her in the office and the majority of the town has said she has always done him this way. They say he shoud have left her a long time ago. He still defends her and says she can't help it, or it isn't as bad as what people say. He takes responsibility for his onw short comings too. This is one of the reasons I love him. He is a good man and tries to see the best in people. He is not judgemental and takes responsibility for his own doings. He is a good man.

are you still in contact with him = : yes

did you have an abortion or a child =: no

did you date others =: I have went on a few dates when he went back to his wife. I realized quickly, it was pointless and you can't date when you are in love with someone else. It isn't fair to the other person either.

what advice would you give someone who is considering an affair? = : Don't do it! If the marriage is really over, they will get out anyway. Then if you are available at the same time, you can date. Affairs are painful for all involved. Not just the obvious, but your children, your extended family and your friends. No one likes to see peole they love in pain. Everyone makes mistakes, and once you cross that line the feelings get deeper and it is messy. The guilt alone is heartbreaking and very depressing. Even if your partners significant other doesn't seem to love them, they still built that life together and you assisted in tearing it down.

what advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair =: I would feel like a hypocrite, but I would want to know how long. There is a difference in having a sexual affair and someone he is actually in love with. I would not want to be married to a man in love with someone else and one I could not trust. However, I would ask this same person if they have ever crossed the line, or even thought about it. I think you have to look deep into the marriage and ask why. Are you married just for the sake of not losing money, a house and there is no emotional bond? I think if deep down you are not really happy, you shouldn't stay. You are cheating them and yourself, and your kids. If all you do is fight, or even have no communication, what kind of example are you setting of a "loving healthy relationship".
why do you tnink men have affairs =: I think there are different situations. He was missing appreciation, sincerity, passion and communication.
did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing -: Yes
where how often regularly =: In the office, his house, my house, the park, lunches.
did you tel did you tell friends or relatives =: My closest friend, I worked with her. She figured it out. She said she did not condone it, but she understood. She said it was obvious there were fellings between us.

what did you learn =: I have learned a lot. I can truly say I have learned a lot about love, myself and lines that should not be crossed. I can say before this man, I am not sure I have ever really been in love. The things I have been willing to sacrifice for him, the pain involved, the time I have put into this without knowing the outcome, it is like I am dieing inside between my love for him, my guilt for the situation, the things I have lost and the situation I have put myself in. I have 4 children who I love dearly and I do not like the example I have set and the situation they have experienced. He will always be my hero for making me see I did not deserve the abuse,and giving me the confidence to leave. My kids are happier children now that they do not have to live that life. However, I am not happy with the other things he has done. Stringing me along sometimes, my life is in limbo. Although I would never do this again, I do not regret our time together. I felt love for the first time. I know he loves me and has treated me better than any man ever has. The stringing along is just him being unable to decide what to do between his love for me and his responsibility to the promise he made so many years ago. I am not naive, I see the pain he is going through and he would be giving up a lot. If he were able to just up and leave for someone else without giving it any thought, I would be scared.

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