Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Nancy Fenn's Sympathetic Other Woman Survey

age =: 30

name for married lover: Darryl

make up a name for you: Stephanie

how did your relationship get started =: In 1998, Darryl and I met as we were neighbors. I moved shortly afterwards and we lost touch. Four years later, he and I reconnected. I heard that he had gotten married, but I was never interested in dating him. When we met to have dinner (as friends), he informed me that he was seperated and living at home with his parents. We then started to spend all of our time together. Since he is a truck driver, he was often gone for about two weeks at a time. We became so close that he was pratically living at my house. About 4 months into our relationship, I started receiving phone calls from what I thought was his ex-wife. His wife and I ended up meeting and told me that they were very much together. After my meeting with her, I met up with him and ended the relationship. I moved and changed my telephone number. I didn't see or talk to him for five years. I was checking my MySpace account and received a note from one of our mutual friends a!
dvising me that Darryl wanted me to call him. I didn't respond to the note. Then, Darryl created his own MySpace page and reached out to me and told me that it was important. After five years of not speaking/seeing each other, I figured something must have been wrong. When I contacted him, he told me that for the past five years, I was all he thought about and that he had been in love with me the entire time. He also stated that he wanted to reconcile and eventually marry. I asked about his marital status and he stated that he was still married, but was not happy and wanted to divorce. I told him if this was the case, he should take care of that situation prior to being involved with me. I extended friendship and we remain friends. This year (June 09# I had been dealing with being unemployed since December 08. Times were extremely difficult for me. Darryl came into town #I live in No. VA) and stayed for two weeks. We spent every day together and we both realized that we cou!
ld no longer remain friends. I told him that I was still in love with him, but I could not entertain a friendship with him as it was extremely difficult to keep it platonic. When I told him this, he begged me to be a part of his life and to give him an opportunity to change his marital status. Reluctantly, I agreed.

how long did it last =: From June 2009 to November 2009.

how did it end =: After giving him four opportunities to seperate from his wife and him not making good on his word, I figured he was lying. The only way I could have found out the truth was to talk to her. I called her and advised her what was going on. Now she is saying I was trying to destroy her marriage.

would you do it again = : I love Darryl very much, but when his wife asked him if he loved me, he told her no. Aside from this, he had a baby outside of their marriage. He has known about the 6 year old child for 3 years and neglected to tell his wife. Based on his character, I will never be able to trust him. Even if he divorces, I do not see a future between him and I.

never done this before =: No. I knew he had had an affair outside of his marriage before. This was the second time we were together. Although the first time, I did not know he was still married. He has confided in me that he has had two additional affairs outside of his relationship with me.

did he have any kids =: He has three children. Two children with his wife. Well, I just recently found out that the 6 year old child he thought belonged to him, is not. He has two children with his wife. WHen I asked why he hadn't divorced during the time we were apart, he stated that he only stayed married because of his children.

did you know his wife before or gret to know her?: I did not "know" his wife. However, we did meet the first time Darryl and I were together. I didn't get to know her, but from our conversation 7 years ago, she was very kind and pleasant.

did you ever contact his wife = : This past November, I reached out to her because I felt he was lying to me about his marriage. He was telling me that he was very unhappy, that he never loved her, and that he only married her because she was pregnant. He stated that he hadn't left because of the children and because he really had no incentive to leave. He said when I gave him a second chance, he was going to make the step to seperate from her because I was the woman he loved. The fourth time I gave him the opportunity to take care of the situation, he told me it was hard because he didn't want to leave her in a bad situation with the kids. I thought the excuse was just an excuse and felt he was lying to me. The only way I would know the truth would be to contact her. When I contacted her, I told her the truth. I also told her the reasons behind me advising her of our affair. I honestly had no hopes that she would walk away and leave. I just needed a resolution to this issue!
. Being that I am a believer in Christ, I was extremely uncomfortable with the situation. I wanted to handle this properly without causing this woman grief. She accepted what I said, but later, accused me of trying to destroy her marriage. Which totally isn't the case. To prove what I told her and that I did not pursue her husband, I sent her surveys he and I did, which were handwritten by the both of us. I still feel it was the right choice to contact her because my heart was in the right place. I wanted to know the truth and I got the truth. Since that day, I have not reached out to him or her. If I were trying to destroy her marriage, I would still be in the picture. I wouldn't have told her to begin with.

spend a lot of money on you =: He didn't spend a lot of money on me. We went to dinner occasionally, but that is about it.

what did he promise you =: He promised me that he would leave. That is the only promise he made me. He told me often how much he loved me, that he wanted to have children with me, and that he wanted to marry me. He met my parents and friends. He intorduced to me to his friends. He incorporated me into his life as though he wasn't married.

did you want to marry him or just have the affair =: I wanted to marry him. I pressed him to seperate because I was uncomfortable dating a man who was married. Our relationship was never an "affair" (my though prior to me finding out the truth). He reached out to me and was telling me that he wanted to divorce her. It was under that pretense that I gave him a second chance. It was never I am with you just to be with you. It was I am with you because you are the woman I love. He often referred to me as his soul mate and second wife to his friends.

are you still in contact with him = : I am not. We broke up on November 9th, 09.

did you have an abortion or a child =: No children and no abortion.

did you date others =: I did not.

what advice would you give someone who is considering an affair? = : I would advise them to wait until the marriage is over. It only breeds pain and drama. Men will do anything to have their cake and eat it too. That includes them telling you they love you.

what advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair =: Do not blame the other woman. You never know what your husband has told her. There are women out there who truly have desires to destroy your marriage, but your husband has control over that. He is the one who made vows to you. As someone who was the "other woman" I am truly accountable for being involved with a man who was married. I feel so horrible that I played a role in causing another person pain. However, I did not have bad intentions. I gave the man I loved a chance to do what he said he wanted to do. I didn't know that him chasing me for two years was all a lie. I compromised myself and my beliefs for love and I feel that was my biggest mistake. I should have stuck to my guns. I would also tell the wife to see the situation for what it is. Blaming the other woman does not resolve the issues within your marriage. It only makes it worse. Regardless of what is transpiring within the marriage, adult!
erey is not the answer.

why do you tnink men have affairs =: In my particular situation, I am not sure WHY he had an affair with me. Although when his wife asked him if he loved me and he said no (although he had been telling me this for two years) I still believe otherwise. I believe he lied because he had so much to lose had he said yes. He makes a lot of money, so he said no to protect his assets. I don't know what was missing in his marriage, but I do know that he purposely stays on the road for months at a time. He doesn't want to go home to be around her. Whenever he was in town, he would go home to Raliegh and spend the weekend and to see his kids, but he would come up to NO. VA to see me and spend two weeks. I don't know.. I don't get it. I don't understand why he would chase me down the way he did, tell me all his inner-most feelings for two years, and then finally get what he said he wanted to just lie the way he did.

did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing -: I felt guilty every single day. Which is why I never let up about him seperating from his wife. It's what he said he wanted, so I made sure to stay on him about it. I can never do it again. IT's not who I am and I spent so many days/night in tears because of what I was doing to his wife. I even took the matter to my Pastor. I spoke to him while in the middle of our relationship because I was so distraught over hurting her and my relationship with God.

where how often regularly =: We didn't meet. He was always here at my house all the time. We weren't sneaking around or anything. He lives in Raliegh, NC and I live in Manassas, Va. They moved to Raligh four years ago, but their friends are all up here. He had me around their mutual friends and everything. Our relationship was never hidden.

did you tel did you tell friends or relatives =: Yes, everyone in my family and circle of friends knew. I don't hide my life. I try to be as honest as I can, especially to those I love and care for. Fortunately, none of them was upset with me. Everyone said he wasn't going to leave, but I felt differently. They were shocked that I would even entertain a man who was married, yet they understood the predicament due to my feelings for him. Many of them have met him and has seen and heard the things he said to me. Those who met him felt the same as I, that he was serious about what he wanted out his relationship with me.

what did you learn =: WAIT WAIT WAIT!!! If they say they are married, RUN AWAY! QUICKLY!!!

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