Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The " Other Woman" Series

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I became interested in love affairs from the pont of view of the "Other Woman", believing that in all fairness, she deserved a neutral hearing.

From time to time I publish responses to me survey. Join the discussion here or comment at the ned of this article.

name for married lover: ryan

make up a name for you: haley

how did your relationship get started =: Ryan was my boss for three years. During those three years we became very good friends. We were very lucky to have such an amazing friendship and work relationship. When I left the company Ryan and I still continued to stay in contact. We would meet for lunches and for happy hours. Then on Dec. 31, 2008 Ryan's wife was out of town and he invited me over to his house. There has always been sexual tension between us, but that night it was like none before. We slept together the first time that night, so that's when our sexual relationship started. But I knew him for years before that.

how long did it last =: Our entire relationship ended in June of 2009. So maybe the sexual part of it wasn't very long, but the other part lasted 4 years.

how did it end =: I ended it. In the last month of our relationship we spent more time than ever with each other. He told his wife he was leaving her and when she broke down over the news he called me to say he was confused and didn't know what to do. This was the third time he played with my heart and it was time for me to stand up and say enough is enough. And I hate that it's over. I hate that we don't talk anymore. I hate that it had to end and I wish nothing had changed.

would you do it again = : I can say no here, but if he came back to me I would probably go back because any attention is better than no attention.

never done this before =: We never talked about that.

did he have any kids =: He had two daughters (21 and 23) from his first marriage. Then an 11 year old from his second marriage, and a step daughter (17) from his third marriage. The step daughter wasn't his and she was going off to college. He never said he was staying it for the kids.
did you know his wife before or gret to know her?: I knew Ryan's wife from when I worked with Ryan. I met her and chatted with her at a few different company events, but that was before anything started going on between us. And the ironic thing about his wife is that she hated me from the start and complained to the company about me, which is why I left my job. If I would have stayed Ryan and I never would have taken our relationship further. Ryan's wife thought she was getting rid of me when I left, but really it opened doors for Ryan and me.

spend a lot of money on you =: Ryan was always buying me things. He said he loved spoiling me and making me happy. He paid for my passport, because he wanted to take me places. He bought me jewerly, a GPS for my car. He gave me cash whenever I saw him, usually $200 to $300. He paid for new brakes on my car ($600) and other car repairs adding up for ($500). He bought me clothes, shoes, and books. I never paid for anything when I was with him. When I went to Vegas he asked if I needed money and I gave me $400. He paid for the hotel rooms at the Hilton and at resorts. He paid for dinners and drinks.

what did he promise you =: He promised me he would never hurt me again (after the first time and second) and he promised he would leave his wife so we could someday be together and not have to sneak around. He promised to make me happy.

did you want to marry him or just have the affair =: I never pressed for the divorce. Ryan always said that I had nothing to do with their relationshiop problems or the divorce. I don't know if I wanted to marry him, but I knew that I wanted to be with him and I didn't want to share him anymore. I wanted him to leave her like he said he was going too and for me to live with him like he said he wanted.

are you still in contact with him = : I ended all contact between us in a letter expressing my feelings on what happened between us and how he hurt me. I told him that by doing what he did to me for the third time that I finally saw what kind of person he really was and that I deserved better than that. but then i also said that i would miss him and ending things between us was the hardest thing for me to do. I told him i would no longer be involved and that he should go back to his wife and figure things out. i told him that they both do not even realize how lucky they are to have each other. that i would give anything to be with someone because it's so lonely by yourself.
did you have an abortion or a child =: no

did you date others =: I went out with other guys, but I didnt date any of them. I didn't want to be with any of them, I only wanted Ryan.

what advice would you give someone who is considering an affair? = : It's not worth it. If you are one that is married don't involve someone else in your life until you are single. It's not fair to that person or to your spouse. And in the end you will probably end up hurting both of them. If you are the one getting involved with the married person remember they are never yours because they are still involved with someone else. remember that you will always come second and you will always end up alone in the end. it's more hurtful for the person involved with married person because all they think about is how much better they would treat him/her. all they think about is how lucky the spouse is and that you are just being used. and even when you are know you are being used you continue to stay involved because by then the feelings have become so strong and you don't want to be without that person. to save yourself from heartbreak stay away from married people and if you are married figure your relationship out first before you decide to involve another person and break their heart too.

what advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair =: I am really not sure. Would I stay if I found out my husband was cheating on me? I say no now, but until I'm actually put in that situation I do not know what I would do. But I guess I would tell her to leave him. Because even if she doesn't she will always be wondering where he is, who is talking, and what is he doing. She will never be able to trust him and always wonder if the affair is still going on. I wouldn't expect someone to stay with me if I cheated on them, so why would I stay for them. But I would also tell the wife that your husband is the one you should be mad at, not the other woman. The other woman is just as scared, as lonely, and as hurt and it's the guy who let the relationship continue to happen. He is one that is married, he should have stopped it, he should have said no.

why do you tnink men have affairs =: I think men have affairs because they get bored in their relationships. I think men have affairs because they want sex and it boosts their egos. I think some men have affairs because their wives no longer treat them how they deserved to be treated and then a woman comes along who gives them what they want. Ryan's marriage was missing sex, it was missing passion, it was missing fun and laughter. I gave that all to him. I gave him what he was he missing.

did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing -: No I never really did. I just thought Ryan's wife was an idiot for not treating him the way he should have been treated and she messed up the relationship herself. And I learned from her that I would never let my man get bored of me. That I would always make sure to look my best and be what he wanted.

where how often regularly =: We met for lunch, for happy hours. We went to a hotel every Sunday night for two months. He would tell his wife he was flying out for his job on Sunday, but he actual wouldn't fly out until Monday morning. I would see him all day Sunday, talk to him everyday while he was in Texas, and then on Thursdays and Fridays we would have lunch. He would call whenever he could get away on the weekends. Like if he was going to the store or something like that. I always knew my plans for Sunday and now I have to learn to live without them.

did you tel did you tell friends or relatives =: All of my friends knew about our relationship. I had one guy friend give me advice on how to keep Ryan coming back for more and keep him interested. He always wanted to know the latest on Ryan and was always dishing out information. I had a few guy friends tell me that this would only end badly and I would be left hurt. And when Ryan did hurt me and those friends saw how it almost destroyed me some even said that if I ever went back to Ryan they wouldn't even be friends with me. So when I did go back to Ryan I couldn't even tell a lot of people because I knew myself how stupid I was being. My girl friends just agreed with whatever I was feeling. I just kept telling them Ryan and I were just having fun, nothing will ever come of it, and I'm not letting our relationship take control of anything. I think they all just agreed with me because they themselves don't make the right relationship choices either so how could they lecture me. But all my friends were there for me even when it ended for good. No one said I told you so, because they knew I was already aware of that. No one offered advice on how to move on, they knew I would move on when I was ready. No one judged, they all just felt bad that someone could hurt me like Ryan did. I told my sisters and two were upset and one followed in my friends steps. The two sisters that were upset could't believe that I would be so stupid to get involved with someone that was first already married, and second 22 years older than me. The age factor is what blew everyone away. They couldn't understand how someone so much older could make me feel so bad. And sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is thinking about his age and how much better I am w/out him. But I didnt mind the age factor. I have always been involved with older men. They have much more going for them and more much to offer me than someone my age. I have always liked older guys because they make me feel like I am the most beautiful pe rson they have ever seen and are always dishing out compliments.

what did you learn =: I don't even know if I learned anything from this experience. I can tell other people not to get into a situation like me, but I'll never take my own advice. Instead I'll just let someone else step all over me and I'll keep coming back for more because I just want to be loved. I already knew I should have never gotten into a relationship with a married man in the first place, but I did it anyways. I already knew I should have never gone back to Ryan the first and second time, but I still did that too. I knew that I should have never taken anything Ryan said or did to the heart and that I could never depend on him, but I went against all that too and believed in everything. This experience only made me want nothing to do with the male species even more than before and made me never want to get married. It only confirmed my belief that you can trust no one and everyone will hurt you, no matter what they say. And I already knew he was going to hurt me, but I let it happen anyways.

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