Getting Introverts to T alk

We were asked by the S.W.A.T. team officer:

My name is XXX and I am a SWAT negotiator with the XXX Police Department. One of my jobs is to find new recourse's and training for the negotiation team. Your article intrigued me because we often deal with people who are non responsive and show very introverted traits.

It is essential that we communicate with people in crisis regardless if they are introverts or not. Often times when my team arrives at a scene, the person in crisis does not want to respond.

Do you have any additional information on how to break the ice with Introverts?

How to get people to start talking with us when they're in crisis?

Thank you for your time,

XXx XXXPolice Department HNT Team


Our answer on behalf of introverts everywhere ...

This is from my technical, spiritual and menu advisor Dave who taught me everything I know about MBTI!!.
>
Relative to MBTI types, there are two distinct types of Introverts. The Introverted Sensing types will always notice and (hopefully) recall more data than any police officer needs. They observe and remember everything and only need to be made to feel like they are part of the team in order to share this information. Of course, you can't make them part of the team if you bully them or pressure them. This is especially true of ISTP/ISFP's. Judging types tend to naturally understand the need for order and closure.

Introverted Intuitive types are more of a problem since they are not naturally very aware of their surroundings. They might not even notice key details that could provide helpful information to the police. It is very hard to share information that you never collected. Fortunately, only a very small percentage of the population are IN-types.

Lets use an example here. Bad guys try to rob a bank, cops show up - hostage situation at hand. Bad guys released 12 Introverted hostages in good faith. Police need to interview the released hostages. All 10 of the IS types notice what the bad guys were wearing, how many guns they had, how much ammo they had, whether their nails were dirty or they needed a shave.
In the back of their minds, the ISTP/ISFP Artisans would take this robbery personal. The ISTJ/ISFJ Guardians would view it as an attack on the system (that they love).

The Introverted Intuitive would look at it from a broader perspective.
The lone INFP is probably wondering why they were robbing the bank for in the first place, why would they pick that bank, wonder about the bad guys family life, what drove them to crime, etc. The INTJ is wondering why they would rob a bank so close to a police station, and why they didn't have a better getaway plan. The INTJ just knew they could do a better job robbing a bank.

Obviously, this is a gross exaggeration - but it does make my point.
Information is not the same thing for everyone. This is a very important consideration.

My take on this is that you are pretty much on the money except it might not hurt to consider the shadow personality thing. Fear can make Extroverts clam up tight as a drum. It call also make Introverts talkative. The most important thing to do is take fear out of the equation for Extroverts and to allow the shadow side of the Introvert to show itself. I would not decrease the pressure on the Introverts - I would increase it. Of course, I am a prick sometimes. Let me re-state that. I think that all of what you suggested in great, especially the part about the calming voice, creating a comfortable atmosphere and even a being able to write down thoughts. It is always a good idea to give an Introvert a notepad to write on as you are asking questions. These same things should all work well with Extroverts too, in my untrained opinion, as you are trying to calm and manage their energy.

If the above doesn't work, then I would push really hard. Introverts will usually revert into themselves under pressure - they will find their comfort zone and hide there for long periods of time. To extract information, you need to push them out of their comfort zone by being demanding and intruding. The only sure way to get them out of their space is for you to get into it and push them out. This will lead to a lot of bad feelings and resentment - but it is quick and effective.

I hope this helps. Thanks for sharing with me...

Dave

These are my suggestions that he is referring. Take what you like and leave the rest. “Intention” always rules! As my grandmother used to say, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

First and foremost, mirror their body language EXACTLY. Continue to do this throughout your time together.
> 2. Have several people to choose from including at least one woman. Ask them, “Who (which one)do you want to stay here with you?” Use
> those exact words, don’t mention talking.
> 3. Give good eye contact one time (make sure it happens) and then look down or away for the rest of the time.
> 4. Keep your voice well modulated (no quasi military bullshit)
> 5. Say “we” instead of “I”
> 6. “We need some information. It will be days before you can really organize your thoughts, we understand, so you can answer one-word answers and we’ll let you write it out for us later or come by and hear the whole story and exactly how it happened in a few days. For now it’s ok to just answer in one word. Ok? It’s ok if you need to cry, too, or smoke or anything you need to do, ok, we can still understand your words. Nod your head when you’re ready ... when we can begin, ok. One word is all we need. We’ll help you with the rest.” [I am purposely using vague and winding language so s/he can get used to the sound of my voice. At a crisis situation sounds are horrifying to an introvert, way too much noise and stimulation. Use your voice to calm the person down.]

7. Especially the aforementioned infp type will want to know no one will be shot or convicted on the basis of information they came up with on the spur of the moment and under duress.
> 7. “Would you like to continue somewhere else?” Introverts are very territorial and very sensitive to their surroundings. They may overtly want you off of their property or out of their living space before they can calm down.
> 8. “Would you like me to hold your hand?” Expect an emphatic yes or no and don’t take it personally – there are 4 different types of introverts.
> 9. In every group of people there is always someone with a calming VOICE. Be on the lookout for this person and try to recruit them L OL
> 10. “All we need is for you to do your best with your one or two word answers. We’ll let you correct it all later if you need to. Just do your best.”
>
> Regarding people one-step removed from the crisis
> 11. IF the person isn’t directly involved in the situation convince them how IMPORTANT it is. Introverts hate small talk and won’t say anything if it isn’t going to be taken seriously.. “Lives have been saved by seemingly casual information from bystanders like you.” “We feel you may have critical information to add to the big picture .....”

Our MBTI Expert Dave DeVaughn (INFJ)Talks Career to an INTJ

JMM wrote:

Dear David deVaughn,

I felt like I struck gold when I came across your website while searching for information about careers for INTJ-types! I related to the career dilemmas of the INTJ’s (especially the difficulty making a choice), and I really enjoyed reading your insightful responses to folk’s questions. If you have time, I'd really appreciate your thoughts on my situation.

I’m a 37-year old female civil engineer who is borderline INTJ/INFJ. Through grade school and college, my strength and interest was always math. I started out as a math major, but I ended up getting an undergraduate degree in science, followed by a master’s degree in civil engineering. While I enjoyed the challenge of studying engineering and I like working with engineers, I've never enjoyed the work (despite trying different environments – design, operations, and government). At this point, the ‘physical world’ and building or constructing things bores me to tears; I'd rather live in the world of ideas and systems. Also, I feel that my jobs focus more on communication and team-work than on my strengths (working independently with math/numbers).

At the same time, I feel a very strong urge do something that has meaning and purpose. In fact, I spent a majority of my free time reflecting on questions concerning the ‘meaning of life’, etc. A clergy-type position would probably be a good fit, but I’m too independent-minded to fit into any organized religion. I also have a passion for helping abused and neglected animals (but I don’t want to become a vet or do anything in the medical field).

At this point, I'm thinking about a career change to something that will allow me to use my natural strengths (math, organizing, planning) toward some greater purpose. One option I’m considering is becoming an accountant for a non-profit organization. But I’m concerned that accounting is a much better for an ISTJ, not an INT/FJ. I’m also considering careers in teaching
math or engineering (but I'm concerned it will involve too much extroverting), starting my own e-business, or doing some work in the area of project controls or engineering economics (where I can combine engineering with financial planning – as long as I can find some good end purpose that I am working toward). Or I may just wander off to a cave and meditate for a few
years on the nature of reality…

Anyway, if you have any thoughts on any of the paths that I’ve mentioned above, I’d really enjoy hearing from you.

Thank you so much in advance and best wishes to you,
JMM

Hi JMM,

Wow! I am actually not sure where or how to start since your own path is so similar to mine. I, too, started out in another field (applied microeconomics/finance) and received a masters in civil engineering. I think those of us on the edge of being INFJ/INTJ flock to civil engineering because there are so many people-related applications for this field. It is much less
text-book engineering than electrical engineering, for example. I have had several correspondences with others like us.

Quite a few people like us end up leaving the engineering field. Sometimes we can stay in it for a quite awhile before we get bored or burnt out. In my own case, I survived by finding a position where I was bridging the gap between technical and social applications thru technical writing, teaching and working with non-technical people.

I learned how to communicate technical information in a manner that could be understood by the lay people that were also involved with our programs - legislators, educators, administrative and support people, etc. This experience is actually what got me into the personality testing thing is the first place. Although I was pretty good at designing systems (in my case, advanced technologies/transportation management systems) I was always found more satisfaction in organizing people. Of course, being a technically educated Introverted Intuitive meant that I was somewhat challenged in dealing with the overwhelming Sensing population. I got so involved with Total Quality Management that I actually took all the graduate statistics courses dealing with analysis of variance (new test program at MSU). Still couldn't find the answers that I was looking for until I happened in the MBTI stuff by accident.

This greatly changed my understanding of how the world really works. Eventually I, too, got bored/burnt out working in a government bureaucracy and headed north to become a residential builder. I still have all the technical fun designing and building houses - but I get more people contact. I at least have a purpose (but a very shaky income these days). We are different in that I enjoy teamwork and communication more than working with numbers.

Throughout my time in grad school and even after I started working for the Dept. of Transportation, I taught at least one class every term. I really enjoyed teaching and did not find that it was as draining as most human interactions. I am a true I ntrovert, in that I am very easily drained by social intercourse. Although I am fairly outgoing (like many INFJ's), I need lots
of time alone. I am not sure why, but Introverts do make great teachers. I think the key factor is finding a subject that you care about or students that you care about. Many Introverted teachers will act more as a mentor than a teacher. This can be a very effective way to teach. I would be happy to share my own methods if you would like to hear them.

By the way - Don't believe everything that you read about INTJ's being cold and uncaring. I have not found this to be always true. I have a close friend that is a true INTJ mechanical engineer. He is extremely talented not only in his area, but also has several patents in robotics which is basically an EE field. He spends most of his free time as a preacher (non-denominational, find Jesus stuff). I have an INTJ engineer friend that became a doctor. I know another INTJ that gave up the engineering and became an attorney (lots of attorneys are INTJ). There are lots of ways to help people as an attorney - not all of them are ambulance chasers (only the I/ESTJ ones).

I have only minimal experiences with accounting types, but I do notice a big difference between STJ and NTJ types. STJ types tend to be more driven by need to be part of the system (keeping the books), where as NTJ types tend to more interested in building the business by first establishing a system of controls. STJ's like to keep track of the info. NTJ's like to use the info to
build. I hope I am making that clear. I have actually been doing a lot of this myself lately. I have a small consulting business that helps people with business startups. I started doing this in the construction business and expanded it into the retail business as well (good thing, since the construction business is about dead here Michigan).

I hope this helps. I really enjoyed reading your letter. Please feel free to contact me anytime. If you find a nice cave with low rent that also allows big dogs, please let me know. If it is in a warm climate and close to a golf course, I just might join you.

Peace...
Dave

[Nancy's Note: I revere teachers. I put the teacher/healer archetypes at the top of the spiritual hierarchy. Thanks to two teachers, Mrs. McGuire and Herr Bruestle, who made me most of what I like best about me today.

IMO, the greatest teachers are always INFJ's. The great healers in this world are INFPs]

For more information about MBTI types that begin with I for Introvert, visit my website http://www.theintrovertzcoach.com/

Good Advice from Dave [INFJ] about a Relationship

Dave DeVaughn [l], is our Meyers-Briggs expert for TheIntrovertzCoach website. Dave is happy to answer letters from site visitors. To see an index of all Dave's articles, CLICK HERE.

VM wrote:

I have read a lot of articles and researched for about 9 months, since I met this really amazing man through an online dating site. He is an INFJ. I am ISFJ/P. At first we thought were just alike, and since have come to understand that is not correct. We share similar morals, values and beliefs, even have a lot of the same habits, likes and dislikes.

In fact, we agree on most things.... when we talk about them. We have been apart this entire time, with only emails and phone calls once in a great while. Neither of us is too fond of the telephone. We used to chat some, but I think that was too big of a distraction for him. I kept him on the emotional side when he needed to be thinking about his work. At this time, we are each others best friend, I am his only friend and confidant.

I think I am coming to you simply because you are an INFJ and maybe you could give me one or two suggestions on how NOT TO OVERWHELM him once he gets here, or on the other hand, I also do not want him think that I do not appreciate and love him. The fact is, I can write down in email some of the things I have trouble saying out loud. I am an introvert, to help matters along, I am also painfully shy. I am working on that in my old age :)

I guess what I really want to know is . . . . would you understand the silence? I can and will extend my friendly side to him, but I am not sure I can make up for the awkward silences that always seem to follow. Will he understand if I just want to hold his hand and not talk? He is such a gentle soul and I never want to offend or leave him feeling like I don't care.

Maybe I am hoping you can give me insight in more than one way. You are civil engineer, he is a service/and lift engineer. I seem to attract or be attracted to men in that field. Odd.



Thanks for your time.

VM

hIv,


I usually start of all my responses with the disclaimer that I am not a psychologist or a therapist. In this case, I guess I better mention that I am also not a love guru. Relationships are just as difficult for me as they are for any Introvert.

In my opinion, there is something wrong with your situation as you describe it to me. First of all, most INFJ's are very outgoing and enjoy communicating with people. They are the most outgoing of all the Introverts and, in fact, are frequently mistaken for Extroverts. I do not understand your friends desire to minimize communication with you.

No phone calls or chatting tells me that he doesn't want unsolicited contact with you - the question is "why" he needs it to be that way. It certainly isn't because of his MBTI type. In my case, I almost always have FaceBook and Messenger on so that I can receive IM's. I put my personal cell phone number on my business cards so that I can be contacted. I do not hide from the world, I embrace it like so many INFJ's that I know.

It would be odd for an INFJ to place his work ahead of a personal relationship. Your research should have mentioned that INFJ's face the outside world with their Feeling function. Your friend chooses to communicate with you only when it is convenient for him - through emails. That does not make any sense to me, unless he is hiding something. Personally, I rarely email anyone because there is no personal touch to it.

What I am saying here is that his actions are not typical of an INFJ or any other MBTI type. I think that he is using you as some weird sort of sounding board, distraction, or God knows what. The MBTI is not an excuse for deviant behavior. It is merely an explanation of how people think and act when they are emotionally healthy.

The question that I must ask you is whether you have actually spent time with this person face-to-face during these 9 months. If the answer is no, then there is definitely something wrong here, with both of you.

I am not sure if you can really fall in love with a person that you have never met - you can only fall in love with the image that you hold of him in your mind. You have a relationship built solely upon an infrequent email and that is just not healthy.

I am sorry that you are in this situation and that you have let your caring side overwhelm your thinking side. There is nothing that I can do for you - you must do it yourself and you must do it soon. Please don't take anything that I say as the absolute truth. I do have limited information to work with. Talk it over with your friends. Talk it over face-to-face with your internet friend. Force the issue - you can't hold back the truth, you can only delay its arrival.

Good Luck.


Peace...
David

Read more articles by Dave. Click here.

Hadley Ajana Writes on the INFJ John Kelly

[photo fair use from wikipedia]

An Appreciation of Detective John Kelly, NYPD Blue: Treasure the INFJ

Before I tell you how much I love John Kelly, how he’s different from all the other television detectives, and why I think he is an INFJ, let me start with a little background.

NYPD Blue: A Groundbreaking Show

John Kelly is a character on the ABC television series NYPD Blue (1993-2005) played by David Caruso. Steven Bochco and David Milch were co-creators of this drama set in a Manhattan police precinct. Each hour-long episode, which typically covers one day in the life of the detective squad, contains scenes of characters’ personal lives while also telling the story of a crime investigation.

When the show debuted in the mid-1990’s networks were struggling to retain viewers in the wake of a growing cable audience. NYPD Blue was the product of this changing environment. Successful television producer Bochco (Hill Street Blues, LA Law) convinced ABC that his new series should contain colorful language and more sexuality to keep viewers interested. The resulting NYPD Blue pilot was considered so racy that some ABC affiliates refused to run it. When the show did air on the majority of ABC stations it was met with critical acclaim and became an instant hit.

David Caruso: The Show’s Breakout Performer

Though NYPD Blue is known now as an ensemble piece, it was meant originally as a vehicle for actor David Caruso. Caruso had already delivered some stand out performances in films like Mad Dog and Glory, and had appeared in Bochco’s Hill Street Blues in the 1980s. Caruso, too, added to the controversy surrounding the early years of NYPD Blue when he left after the first season to pursue a career in film.

Denniz Franz became the center of NYPD Blue, winning many awards for his nuanced performance. His character, Detective Andy Sipowicz, was voted the tenth greatest television detective of all time in a 2000 TV Guide poll. While the attention lavished on Franz over the years has been well-deserved, Caruso’s Kelly has been all but forgotten. Perhaps it’s because he appeared on the screen for such a short time, just one season and four episodes. But what a run it was. I saw enough in those twenty-six hours to declare John Kelly my favorite television cop of all time. Move over, Jim Rockford and Frank Pembledon (both in TV Guide’s top five by the way)! John Kelly has stolen the heart of this police procedural addict.


Detective John Kelly

Allow me to tell you about the man I love. Kelly was raised by a widowed mother after his father, an Irish cop, was killed on duty. It’s clear as you get to know him that Kelly is both angry at his father for leaving him and at the same time trying to please him. Though the topic is never raised, it’s always in the air.

Following in his father’s footsteps Kelly advanced quickly through the police ranks and made detective at a young age. His mentor and partner is Andy Sipowiz, a seasoned alcoholic.

The job has taken a toll on Kelly’s six-year marriage which is on the rocks at the beginning of the series and never recovers. Shortly after he separates from his wife, John finds himself involved with a fellow police officer who -- we can’t blame her -- pursues the newly available detective with a single-minded determination. It’s difficult to gauge his depth at first, but time proves Kelly’s passion a slow and steady burn. Even after his girlfriend’s corruption is exposed and puts his career in jeopardy, John fends off advances from a rich, beautiful widow to stand by his lady love as she heads off to jail.

A New Type of Hero

Critics often described Detective Kelly as sensitive and moral. Consider Joyce Millman’s appreciation of Caruso in Salon magazine which sums up his NYPD Blue character as “[a] good Catholic kid whose faith had taken a few knocks, trying to do the right thing in a system where the right thing was often not enough.”

Kelly’s morality is often on display. In one of the first episodes, the detective testifies at the trial of a child-killer. The judge has ruled that a key piece of evidence cannot be presented to the jury because of a legal technicality. On the stand Kelly tries to sneak in some testimony about the banned item. When told he’s going to be held in contempt of court, Kelly responds to the judge with smoldering outrage: “I hold you in contempt. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Caruso portrayed an emotional yet strong man. This was the heart of his character’s appeal. Millman calls Kelly “the ultimate stand-up guy, the peacemaker who defused ‘situations’ with calm appeals to good sense, the caretaker who shouldered everyone’s burdens. ‘Are we okay with this?’ was one of his soothing phrases.” She also thinks such a sensitive badass is unusual, calling Kelly “a new breed of TV cop hero, a wounded-inner-child Clintonian mediator.” GQ saw something revolutionary, too, proclaiming Kelly “The Hero as New Man.”

Women Love a Man Whose Available

Kelly’s – or should we say Caruso’s -- sensitive yet strong nature belies a man comfortable with his own masculinity, something rarely seen on television, let alone in a crime show. In an interview with GQ for the “hero as new man” article, Caruso was asked his view on relationships. “All men fantasize about is a true equal,” says the actor. “At the end of the day, you really want to be with someone you get along with…you want to be in a situation where you can be yourself.” Caruso’s understanding informed a new interpretation of the tough Irish cop stereotype. Unfortunately, this type of genuine respect for women is still “new” in television and, one fears, in life.

Not only did Kelly respect women, he understood them. I, and I suspect millions of other women, love him as much when he was “escorting” a drunk to the door as when he listens – with an intensity you seldom experience in real life – to his date’s problems. Kelly manages to walk that fine line between husband-protector and boyfriend-lover.

Jim Rockford, number one on TV Guide’s list of greatest television sleuths, broke new ground in the 70’s by showing sensitivity, but he also avoids confrontation and is sometimes downright cowardly. He certainly lacks Kelly’s “badassness.” Columbo, TV Guide’s number two detective, is thoughtful yet short on social skills. Certainly he was not a romantic lead. Number three in TV Guide’s ranking, Frank Pembledon, is a brilliant, deep, and brooding man whose integrity is rigid, more terrifying than inviting. Only NYPD Blue’s hero is perceptive, strong, decent and emotionally available.

John Kelly, INFJ

The combination of traits found in Detective Kelly is most women’s dream. It is rare in the real world. Why it’s not seen on television more I don’t know. I believe that Kelly’s characteristics are reflective of the personality type INFJ, a personality type found in less than two per cent of the population. Perhaps the lack of these “types” on television is a matter of art imitating life.

Sipowicz refers to Kelly as the social worker of the century who still manages to get the job done. Women flock to him for emotional support. Even his ex-wife leans on him when she feels threatened because he is so good at what he does. Men, too, seek Kelly out for advice. When fellow detective Medavoy contemplates divorce, Kelly is consulted. Caruso’s character is there for everyone, at the office and on the street, while still being competent. This is typical of INFJ’s, known as “counselors” for their strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others but who are also noted for their ability to navigate complex situations.

A special characteristic of the INFJ is his ability to “know” others, to feel their feelings and read their thoughts. An interesting NYPD Blue scene is one in which Kelly explains his behavior to a new detective, James Martinez. The rookie investigator wants to know if Kelly beat a confession out of a suspect as he had threatened to. The veteran says he did not in this case but wouldn’t hesitate to if he knew the suspect was guilty, not just suspected but knew of his guilt. This is the sense in which you will often hear INFJ’s use the verb know. They know as others do not. They know to a moral certainty and they feel secure in that knowledge. It is one of their special gifts.

Like most INFJ’s, Kelly is not a leader but rather someone who chooses to exert his influence behind the scenes. It is not a vision that guides him, nor a desire to motivate others, but rather the need to connect, to fix what is broken, to empathize with those he knows. That describes the INFJ and is reflective of Kelly’s role in the squad room. He fights to give junkies a second chance, sets crooked cops straight, and anchors Sipowicz as he makes the transition to sobriety. He sorts the good from the bad with an understanding that no one is perfect. Kelly does not give orders nor martial the men to action; he is simply the soul of the group.

Another INFJ Walks off the Job

INFJ’s give so much and expect so little in return, but they do have their limits.

Though they are strong in many ways, INFJ’s cannot abide an emotionally disruptive environment nor public criticism. The NYPD Blue writers arranged for Caruso’s exit by having Kelly leave the police force in a typical INFJ fashion. It’s not unusual for an INFJ to take on trouble for a friend. When his girlfriend is put on trial for a murder stemming from her corrupt dealings, the Bureau of Internal Affairs begins to investigate all Kelly’s old cases. John accepts the snooping but rails with indignation at the public manner in which it is done. Unable to abide his demotion to radio operator, Kelly leaves the police force. Public criticism is just something an INFJ cannot tolerate.

INFJ’s are also infamous for their struggle with finding the right career and are known for being perpetually “disappointed” with their superiors. Kelly’s exit from the show certainly parallels the real end of many an INFJ’s job.

A Rare Pleasure

While his departure was aptly crafted, it’s sad that Caruso forced an end to Kelly’s appearances on NYPD Blue. He really was a new man, both strong and warm, and I miss him. One does not often encounter a character of such quality. On screen, as in life, INFJ’s are rare. We should treasure them wherever we find them and enjoy their company for as long as it lasts.

Read other articles by and for INFJs at

http://www.theintrovertzcoach.com/infj_hadley.html

and Hadley's film review, an extensive collection indexed here: "I Watch for Introverts" http://www.theintrovertzcoach.com/reviews_index.html

INFJ Tells Story

Hi! I just want to write a note of appreciation. God bless you for your website.


Here's my story ---

I am an off-the-Richter-Scale INFJ. Being a textbook INFJ, I'm warm, kind and friendly so most people like me; however, I'm also a quiet, serious loner, so, since my teens, I have often been criticized by family and friends and even my husband for not being "more normal" -- i.e., extroverted. I get drained when I spend too much time with people and for years secretly worried that I might be a highly-functioning maladaptive personality until I took the Myer-Briggs test. I often joke that my idea of Club Med is solitary confinement, but most of my extroverts look at me blankly when I say that. (I still don't know why solitary confinement is considered a punishment in our culture.) I long ago accepted that I am not annointed with the gift of extroversion and try to focus on the gifts I do have.

Or so I thought.

I recently became deeply hurt when a beloved boss -- someone I respect and work very hard to please -- told me he appreciated my hard work & standard of excellence but would frankly prefer I was more "outgoing & fun like other assistants." (Did I mention that this boss is outgoing and fun himself?) He then compared to me to my friend and co-worker whose workload is not nearly as intense as mine, telling me he liked her personality because she knows how to joke and kick back. My boss continued by saying that "people who work until midnight [like me?] are well and good, but someone who can crack a joke is appreciated more."

I understand my boss's preference. Hell, I often wish I was different! I also don't expect him to "get" me. It's not his job to "get" me. It's my job to "get" me and then find skillful ways to join with people while not compromising my own needs.

However, I do feel intense insecurity for two reasons. First, I've disappointed my boss in a way I fundamentally cannot fix and am frustrated because I know I cannot change the one thing he finds disappointing in me -- ME. I suspect, too, that he believes I can change and am just not trying hard enough. He gets excited when I go out to lunch with a co-worker and has implied that I should be going out for lunch each day instead of brown-bagging at my desk and reading a book .... More importantly, I'm afraid his view of me might be shared by others on my litigation team. Shared agreement grows in strength, whether it's true or not. If the collective agreement is that I am not "good" because of my introversion standing in sharp contrast to the group's extroversion, it could possibly affect my job standing. (It's helpful to bear in mind the INFJ's are inclined toward parnoia as I write this ...)

I've never had to deal with this issue because, for the past 20 years, I've only been paired with two introverted bosses. They never once told me they wanted me to act differently-- probably because they never thought there was a problem with me! My present litigation team on this new job, however, is comprised of extraordinarily fun, loud, extroverted folk. I often feel like a deer in the headlights when they tease and joke with me -- or, as the Southern expression goes, "the turd in the punchbowl." I recently got a fantastic work review from this same team, but that was just months after I began the job. Now, a year on the job, I'm afraid they may have grown accustomed to my work ethic -- i.e., the honeymoon period is over -- and now they can relax and nit pick on what they consider to be the smaller nuances. My hope is that they will not hold the expectation that I must be more outgoing like them. If I fail to produce results in this area, it might disappoint them and ultimately affect my security at my new workplace.
I'm presently exploring ways I can try to change at work ....

I began surfing the net to see how I might handle this situation. That's how I stumbled upon your website. Your website has allowed me to feel less freakish. It's helpful reading your and other introverts' comments. I've laughed out loud in recognition!! THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking the time to contribute this healing spot for other introverts.

I've been called "odd" a few times in my life, which hurts. I've never aspired to be "different." I deeply want to belong. I also never intend to shut people out when I choose to be alone. I'm just recharging. On the other hand, I have had profound mystical experiences -- intensely beautiful brushes with Reality -- which may not have occurred had my personality been structured differently. Who knows?

In my next life, I'm asking God to give me a pair of nice, long legs * and * a fun personality.

In the meantime, I'll keep coming back to your website.

[a young woman from georgia]

Note from Nancy: My website she is referring to is www.theintrovertzcoach.com a public service website from this infp introvert. In fact, it's my Crusade to raise awareneess : introversion is a legitimate prsonality type.