The " Other Woman" Series

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I became interested in love affairs from the pont of view of the "Other Woman", believing that in all fairness, she deserved a neutral hearing.

From time to time I publish responses to me survey. Join the discussion here or comment at the ned of this article.

name for married lover: ryan

make up a name for you: haley

how did your relationship get started =: Ryan was my boss for three years. During those three years we became very good friends. We were very lucky to have such an amazing friendship and work relationship. When I left the company Ryan and I still continued to stay in contact. We would meet for lunches and for happy hours. Then on Dec. 31, 2008 Ryan's wife was out of town and he invited me over to his house. There has always been sexual tension between us, but that night it was like none before. We slept together the first time that night, so that's when our sexual relationship started. But I knew him for years before that.

how long did it last =: Our entire relationship ended in June of 2009. So maybe the sexual part of it wasn't very long, but the other part lasted 4 years.

how did it end =: I ended it. In the last month of our relationship we spent more time than ever with each other. He told his wife he was leaving her and when she broke down over the news he called me to say he was confused and didn't know what to do. This was the third time he played with my heart and it was time for me to stand up and say enough is enough. And I hate that it's over. I hate that we don't talk anymore. I hate that it had to end and I wish nothing had changed.

would you do it again = : I can say no here, but if he came back to me I would probably go back because any attention is better than no attention.

never done this before =: We never talked about that.

did he have any kids =: He had two daughters (21 and 23) from his first marriage. Then an 11 year old from his second marriage, and a step daughter (17) from his third marriage. The step daughter wasn't his and she was going off to college. He never said he was staying it for the kids.
did you know his wife before or gret to know her?: I knew Ryan's wife from when I worked with Ryan. I met her and chatted with her at a few different company events, but that was before anything started going on between us. And the ironic thing about his wife is that she hated me from the start and complained to the company about me, which is why I left my job. If I would have stayed Ryan and I never would have taken our relationship further. Ryan's wife thought she was getting rid of me when I left, but really it opened doors for Ryan and me.

spend a lot of money on you =: Ryan was always buying me things. He said he loved spoiling me and making me happy. He paid for my passport, because he wanted to take me places. He bought me jewerly, a GPS for my car. He gave me cash whenever I saw him, usually $200 to $300. He paid for new brakes on my car ($600) and other car repairs adding up for ($500). He bought me clothes, shoes, and books. I never paid for anything when I was with him. When I went to Vegas he asked if I needed money and I gave me $400. He paid for the hotel rooms at the Hilton and at resorts. He paid for dinners and drinks.

what did he promise you =: He promised me he would never hurt me again (after the first time and second) and he promised he would leave his wife so we could someday be together and not have to sneak around. He promised to make me happy.

did you want to marry him or just have the affair =: I never pressed for the divorce. Ryan always said that I had nothing to do with their relationshiop problems or the divorce. I don't know if I wanted to marry him, but I knew that I wanted to be with him and I didn't want to share him anymore. I wanted him to leave her like he said he was going too and for me to live with him like he said he wanted.

are you still in contact with him = : I ended all contact between us in a letter expressing my feelings on what happened between us and how he hurt me. I told him that by doing what he did to me for the third time that I finally saw what kind of person he really was and that I deserved better than that. but then i also said that i would miss him and ending things between us was the hardest thing for me to do. I told him i would no longer be involved and that he should go back to his wife and figure things out. i told him that they both do not even realize how lucky they are to have each other. that i would give anything to be with someone because it's so lonely by yourself.
did you have an abortion or a child =: no

did you date others =: I went out with other guys, but I didnt date any of them. I didn't want to be with any of them, I only wanted Ryan.

what advice would you give someone who is considering an affair? = : It's not worth it. If you are one that is married don't involve someone else in your life until you are single. It's not fair to that person or to your spouse. And in the end you will probably end up hurting both of them. If you are the one getting involved with the married person remember they are never yours because they are still involved with someone else. remember that you will always come second and you will always end up alone in the end. it's more hurtful for the person involved with married person because all they think about is how much better they would treat him/her. all they think about is how lucky the spouse is and that you are just being used. and even when you are know you are being used you continue to stay involved because by then the feelings have become so strong and you don't want to be without that person. to save yourself from heartbreak stay away from married people and if you are married figure your relationship out first before you decide to involve another person and break their heart too.

what advice would you give a wife whose husband was having an affair =: I am really not sure. Would I stay if I found out my husband was cheating on me? I say no now, but until I'm actually put in that situation I do not know what I would do. But I guess I would tell her to leave him. Because even if she doesn't she will always be wondering where he is, who is talking, and what is he doing. She will never be able to trust him and always wonder if the affair is still going on. I wouldn't expect someone to stay with me if I cheated on them, so why would I stay for them. But I would also tell the wife that your husband is the one you should be mad at, not the other woman. The other woman is just as scared, as lonely, and as hurt and it's the guy who let the relationship continue to happen. He is one that is married, he should have stopped it, he should have said no.

why do you tnink men have affairs =: I think men have affairs because they get bored in their relationships. I think men have affairs because they want sex and it boosts their egos. I think some men have affairs because their wives no longer treat them how they deserved to be treated and then a woman comes along who gives them what they want. Ryan's marriage was missing sex, it was missing passion, it was missing fun and laughter. I gave that all to him. I gave him what he was he missing.

did you ever feel guilty about what you were doing -: No I never really did. I just thought Ryan's wife was an idiot for not treating him the way he should have been treated and she messed up the relationship herself. And I learned from her that I would never let my man get bored of me. That I would always make sure to look my best and be what he wanted.

where how often regularly =: We met for lunch, for happy hours. We went to a hotel every Sunday night for two months. He would tell his wife he was flying out for his job on Sunday, but he actual wouldn't fly out until Monday morning. I would see him all day Sunday, talk to him everyday while he was in Texas, and then on Thursdays and Fridays we would have lunch. He would call whenever he could get away on the weekends. Like if he was going to the store or something like that. I always knew my plans for Sunday and now I have to learn to live without them.

did you tel did you tell friends or relatives =: All of my friends knew about our relationship. I had one guy friend give me advice on how to keep Ryan coming back for more and keep him interested. He always wanted to know the latest on Ryan and was always dishing out information. I had a few guy friends tell me that this would only end badly and I would be left hurt. And when Ryan did hurt me and those friends saw how it almost destroyed me some even said that if I ever went back to Ryan they wouldn't even be friends with me. So when I did go back to Ryan I couldn't even tell a lot of people because I knew myself how stupid I was being. My girl friends just agreed with whatever I was feeling. I just kept telling them Ryan and I were just having fun, nothing will ever come of it, and I'm not letting our relationship take control of anything. I think they all just agreed with me because they themselves don't make the right relationship choices either so how could they lecture me. But all my friends were there for me even when it ended for good. No one said I told you so, because they knew I was already aware of that. No one offered advice on how to move on, they knew I would move on when I was ready. No one judged, they all just felt bad that someone could hurt me like Ryan did. I told my sisters and two were upset and one followed in my friends steps. The two sisters that were upset could't believe that I would be so stupid to get involved with someone that was first already married, and second 22 years older than me. The age factor is what blew everyone away. They couldn't understand how someone so much older could make me feel so bad. And sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is thinking about his age and how much better I am w/out him. But I didnt mind the age factor. I have always been involved with older men. They have much more going for them and more much to offer me than someone my age. I have always liked older guys because they make me feel like I am the most beautiful pe rson they have ever seen and are always dishing out compliments.

what did you learn =: I don't even know if I learned anything from this experience. I can tell other people not to get into a situation like me, but I'll never take my own advice. Instead I'll just let someone else step all over me and I'll keep coming back for more because I just want to be loved. I already knew I should have never gotten into a relationship with a married man in the first place, but I did it anyways. I already knew I should have never gone back to Ryan the first and second time, but I still did that too. I knew that I should have never taken anything Ryan said or did to the heart and that I could never depend on him, but I went against all that too and believed in everything. This experience only made me want nothing to do with the male species even more than before and made me never want to get married. It only confirmed my belief that you can trust no one and everyone will hurt you, no matter what they say. And I already knew he was going to hurt me, but I let it happen anyways.
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How AStrologers Think

by Expert Astrologer and Saturn Return Expert, Nancy R. Fenn

If you are thinking about becoming an astrologer or consulting one, you should read this article ....

Times have changed! How do astrologers think today? Not much differently than they've always thought. But they could be better understood. Learn more ....

Russians think of their country as Aquarius ruled, according to Johnson's "Russia List". Johnson's List is a daily e-mail newsletter with information and analysis about contemporary Russia from a wide range of sources. Maybe this is why they are so open to astrology. Aquarius is also the ruling sign for astrologers.

I was reading about some predictions Russian astrologers were making for the year 2002 in an article written at that time by Kevin O'Flynn for Johnson's "Russia List" entitled "Stars Aren't Smiling Down on 2002".

O'Flynn, who quotes Russian astrologers like Yury Longo, Sergei Bezborodny and Alexander Zarayev, doesn't seem to put much store in astrological predictions himself but he notes that "even several current and former Russian and U.S. leaders and their wives have shown an interest in astrological predictions". I don't know what Russian leaders he's referring to but it is thought that President and Mrs. Reagan consulted astrologers like Sydney Omar, Jeanne Dixon

and Joan Quigley.

The comment that caught my attention in the article, however, was this:
"Perhaps the most pessimistic of the astrologers doing the rounds in the Russian media was Alexander Zarayev. He predicted in "Argumenty i Fakty" that Russia would see a bumpy ride between February 28 and March 12 and an even worse time after July 27, with problems in the Middle East and other hot spots. It will be similar to the [ruble] default in 1998," said Zarayev, who, like many astrologers, was short on details [emphasis mine].

Many writers who cover astrology interviews and predictions don't understand or like astrology and cover it with thinly veiled ridicule.

There is a reason astrologers are "short on details" and that is what I would like to explain in this article. It has to do with the way our predictions are made and the way we think.
Astrologers don't associate events by cause and effect. They associate them by analogy, much as poets do.

There are two reasons they use analogy. First, we are trying to explain things that are difficult to put into words, like poets. The poet says,"my love is like a red, red rose" because it is hard to put into words what an intangible thing, feeling or experience like love is without comparing it to something tangible, of rare beauty and ecstatic fragrance, like, for example, a rose.

Secondly, we are arriving at our conclusions by connecting dots that are invisible to the untrained eye but which exist in our formulas and calculations and lead us to our conclusions without physical evidence. This is why backing up some of our statements is difficult. We know two things are associated through time and space but we ourselves are not exactly certain what they will look like on the manifest earth plane. That is why the Russian astrologer said, "It will be similar to the [ruble] default in 1998."

If I might qualify Zarayev's statement, which he himself was not allowed to do in this once-removed report of his prediction, I would suggest that the events he describes are "similar" in gravity and scope, but also perhaps in "tone" and "texture" to the ruble default.

Here's an example from something you may be more familiar with. I could say that 911 was similar to the Great Fire of London in 1666 and to the Galveston Flood in 1900 (the deadliest natural disaster that the United States has ever experienced) or the San Francisco earthquake in 1906 in scope because these are all catastrophic events of almost unimaginable proportions. But 911 is more similar in tone to the bombing of Pearl Harbor in 1941 and the Viking raid on the Lindisfarne Monastery in Great Britain in 793 because although these events were catastrophic disasters they were also surprise attacks by foreign enemies on home soil.

Here's an example of how this kind of reasoning is carried out in event forecasting. Suppose I see that Saturn is going to pass over your Moon in your fourth house. Astrology is a language. It is a way of describing energy. Now we try to come up with some events that are probable, given what we know about this energy. In some cases, we take the nature of the person we're reading for into account -- he could be an 80 year old man or she could be a 26 year old girl -- and also what we know of their character and life events from information we request ahead of time.
Here are some of the images that are suggested by this combination of energy, Saturn + Moon + 4th house:

-- someone goes on an archaeology dig

-- someone's parent becomes very ill

-- someone breaks their leg and is laid up in the house for awhile, on the ground floor for convenience

-- someone gets some long lost information about their ancestors for their genealogy project

-- someone gets locked down in the basement by mistake or on purpose

-- someone becomes a grandparent for the first time

-- someone contacts the cemetery to find out about burial plots

-- someone is digging in their backyard (in Chicago!) and finds a dinosaur bone

-- a very old tree falls on someone's house

As a matter of fact, if you can "connect the dots" and have a feel for what it is these items could have in common, you are in line to be a good astrologer.

I'll help you.

Saturn = something or someone very old, buried, long forgotten

Moon = long ago and far away, infantile, motherish

4th house = ancestors, deeply hidden, emotionally meaningful

We use intuitive thinking to interpret information revealed by the numbers in our astrological calculations. You might also compare this to the way a doctor reads an x-ray. The x-ray shows a picture of something but it really doesn't mean anything until someone who is trained to interpret x-ray pictures looks at it and tells you.

When I try to help my astrology students develop their intuition, we do "drills" like this. I ask, "If you were a flower, what kind would you be?" Then I ask, "If that person over there were a flower, what kind would s/he be?" Or a color. Or a piece of music. Or a body of water. My students get irritated with this sometimes, but it's like practicing scales (etudes) on the piano It is building right brain or intuitive skills.

As we've shown, when astrologer Zarayev says "similar to the ruble default in 1998", he is making an analogy - "this" -- something known -- is like "that" -- something as yet unknown -- based on three dimensional dot-to-dot, using geometric proportions and a nonlinear thinking similar to physics and even music, which can seem vague.

Many people believe that astrology is like being psychic or prophetic. As a matter of fact, astrology is more like physics or music and not at all like intuitive and psychic ability, although astrologers can use both these skills to enhance the information they give you from their calculations. However, astrologers study intensely from three to five years to learn their skills and most would be insulted if you described them as a psychic or intuitive! Many astrologers are among the brightest people on earth. (Not necessasrily so with psychics or intuitives.)

Astrology is a branch of meta-physics. Physics explores the creation of the universe using the left brain. Meta-physics explores the creation of the universe using the right brain.
Physicists use numbers and formulae in a quantitative language. Astrologers use astrological symbols and formulae in a qualitative language. Musicians use notes and formulae in what is commonly considered the most universal of all languages.

While clients may think that astrologers do nothing but predictions about people's lives, waiting patiently by their phone for the go-ahead on a chart (!), most astrologers are fascinated with the inner workings of the universe, like physicists, and spend hours doing independent research, honing their skills on projects of their own that interest them. Ask your favorite astrologer what s/he's researching at the moment and be ready for a surprise!.

What am I studying right now? The effect of Pluto transits through Sagittarius on the Arab world, the history of the Middle Ages, music theory, and advanced horary astrology.
Reading for clients often permits us to have the time for these other pursuits -- we do love our clients!! -- which are usually not lucrative in and of themselves. Astrologers compare notes among themselves regarding their discoveries and present findings in professional journals, at meetings and casually among friends with shared interests -- just like other professionals.
Let's explore further the way astrologers think. As we discussed, astrology is a branch of metaphysics. Metaphysicians explore the creation of the universe using the right brain and something called "vertical" thinking. Here's the difference between horizontal and vertical thinking.

Horizontal thinking uses the concept of cause and effect and relies on a linear relationship between events in time and space, i.e., first this happened and then this happened as a result. The ineffective conclusion of World War I caused World War II.

Here's a day-to-day example. I'm drinking this diet coke because I am thirsty. (I got thirsty and that caused me to drink the diet coke.) Or I'm drinking this diet coke because my grandmother introduced me to them on hot afternoons in Texas when I was a kid. Therefore, I always drink cokes when it's hot. You see, hot weather causes me to drink diet coke.

Vertical thinking is different. It associates events by a meaningful relationship which is sometimes subjective (the meaning is in the reality of the beholder) and sometimes by a system which describes invisible but not imaginary patterns and relationships such as music or astrology.

For example, it might also be that the reason I'm drinking this diet coke today is because something triggers me subconsciously to reach for one every time I run my tongue over the roof of my mouth in a certain way I've been doing since childhood. This subconscious conditioning is personal and subjective but rubbing my tongue over the roof of my mouth does not "cause" me to drink diet cokes.

Or I may do this because it's 3:20 pm and that's when I used to wake up from my polio-prevention nap as a kid and be handed a cold diet coke by my grandmother on the way to the swimming pool.

Something "reminds me" around 3:20 every afternoon that it's time to "reach for a diet coke". That's personal and subjective and an association that the subconscious mind is making but childhood naps did not "cause" me to drink this diet coke.

Naturally when looking for vertical connections, we roam backwards and forwards in time. Actually in astrology, the childhood diet cokes and the adult diet cokes would be siblings. The parent is something else entirely and that something is the mother lode.

There is a third element in vertical thinking and that is an invisible but discernible quality to a particular time that attracts events to it by appropriateness.

Before I go too much further with this, here's a day-to-day example of the "quality" of a time. Every morning upon first awakening, I go for a five mile walk. It's usually a fun and peaceful way to start the day. Two days ago, a dog harassed me for several minutes when I checked my mailbox on the way home. A car almost ran me over. Then the bottom fell out of a bag of garbage I took to the trash.

At that point, I replanned my day, figuring it was going to be the kind of energy where I should do as little as possible outside the house. The "quality" of the time was not good. I didn't need to check my ephemeris to know this (!) but perhaps there were some negative aspects to the Moon for several hours that day.

Had I looked ahead, I might have known this but I don't rely much on astrology for day to day matters, though that may surprise you. This is because I feel that we must develop ourselves to the point that we can roll with the motion of the inner planets in order to be effective adults. Inner planets (Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus and Mars dictate day-to-day matters and changes that occur over a period of say, a few weeks.) Simple maturity dictates that we become capable in handling our daily affairs. We have had every inner planet circle our charts many times if we are over thirty and should be used to their energy by now.

In times of crisis and transformation, or confusion and discouragement, I study my own chart intensely and often seek help from other astrologers and healers as well. These times are ruled by the outer planets Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto. Some of these planets will only visit a few houses of our charts during our entire lives and we are unfamiliar with them to a degree that can wreak havoc with our well planned lives. All of us have parts of ourselves we do not know.
Important to note, however, returning to my morning that got off to a bad start ... the dog did not cause the "cause" the car to almost hit me. The careless driver didn't "cause" the garbage bag to break. They were all things of a certain nature that clustered together at one time and place. They were siblings, the parent of which might be of interest to an astrologer.

The Greeks had two words for time: chronos and kairos. Chronos refers to chronological time, the kind used for cause and effect reasoning. Kairos refers to a quality of time being such that all events that occur at that time are similar in some way.

When I give my classes, which are usually small because they are geared toward gifted infp healers who represent only 1% of the population, I like to ask us to consider the quality of the time that would draw exactly these 5 or 10 people together out of the billions of people on the earth.

This is happening randomly throughout your day as well. Why did you wind up at the grocery store in line with those particular people? Why did your name come up for an IRS audit at this time? Why did you cross the intersection just in time to get hit by that car?

These are rhetorical questions but they are actually quite fascinating to an astrologer who will study such things intently. For example, it might surprise you to know that when we look at the charts of a policeman and a criminal, they are quite similar -- certainly more alike than the charts of policeman and a pianist. The same applies to victims and perpetrators of accidents, rapes, surgeries, etc. Slowly a pattern reveals itself.

It is the kairos time in your astrology chart that is analyzed for information about your character which will determine your fate or what amounts to fate. "Character is fate." An excellent book on this topic is "The Challenge of Fate" by Thorwald Dethlefsen, an extremely influential German

metaphysician whose books are not always available in English translation.

Another phrase we use is this. "Your life is your birth writ large." The moment of your birth contains the energy which you will smear, so to speak, or spread across 60 to 90 years of time on the planet. Its flavor will trickle down over and through everything you do, creating ribbons of texture and pattern, making everything you do similar or familiar in some secret, subtle way. If only you had eyes to see. It is easier to discern this in someone besides yourself.

It is even possible to see that the manner of your physical birth is repeated time and time again across the length of your life in the particular outer events that occur or cluster around your energy. It takes training to see this. Also, most people are not familiar with the details of their birth.

If you plan to study metaphysics or astrology, a good thing to do is ask your mother all about the details of your birth so you have the information handy. It will become more and more meaningful to you as your studies progress.

Getting back to kairos, sometimes kairos reveals itself best by going backwards across linear time. Most of my personal projects as an astrologer involve looking back at transits throughout history to see what happened under similar transits in the past and what connections I can make.

For example, we had a rare, once in a lifetime astronomical event a few springtimes ago, a Venus eclipse. I looked at all the times in the past when this event occurred , all the way back to 1 CE and discovered two interesting things:

-- a predominance of powerful women rulers or activists;

-- emphasis on the Salic Laws

The laws of the Salian Franks, from whence eventually sprang Charlemagne, forbid women to inherit property and this became a major issue in Europe during later time periods.
Something that interests astrologers, these eclipses have been occurring in the first 15 degrees of Gemini and Sagittarius for 2,000 years.

Another of my pet projects was exploring Pluto transits in Sagittarius. Somewhat unnervingly, I discovered they are low periods for western Europeans and high periods for the Arab world. We just concluded one. When some newscasters and historians alluded to the fact that we were finishing up on the Crusades, an astrologer could see the very alarming reality of this statement mathematically and without emotion or personal human opiniom.

Was I able to predict that 911 would happen? No. But I did predict -- in a paper I read at the "Better Worlde Galleria" in 1995 -- that this time period would bring an increase in terrorism, religious intolerance, difficulties in travel, immigration problems, upsurge of asthma and noise pollution and many other things that have happened. Is this vague? Yes. Is it true? Yes. Is it helpful? Yes.

One astrologer, the inimitable Rob Hand, did seem to predict 911 itself. Incredibly, an editor for "Mountain Astrologer", our "trade journal", chose as an illustration for his article, which appeared well in advance of September 11, 2001, the symbol for the planet Pluto (which among other things symbolizes, death and mass destruction) across the Twin Towers. In my opinion, Michael Lutin, "Vanity Fair" astrologer, also made the prediction.

As a metaphysician, I am not so interested in predictions as I am, like Einstein, interested in knowing God's mind. If this sounds a litle presumptuous, at least it keeps me busy. Like the German philosophers, I do believe that something very akin to God's mind or Adam Smith's "invisible hand" is revealed in a detached exploration and understanding of the outworking of history and in the turning gyre of the heavens.

For readers interested in a career in astrology, please also read my article "Why aren't Famous Astrologers?"

If you have any questions about this article, please email me and I will be glad to have a respectful dialogue with you via email.

Zodiac Traits for Lovers

I'm Nancy R. Fenn, expert astrologer, and I'd like to be your astrologer.

Did you know Virgo women are highly attracted to Aquarius men and Leo men to Taurus women? Do you understand that Scorpio and Aquarius will result in a contest of wills and that Leo and Capricorn will share a love of status and prestige?

Learn more about partners in the horoscope - check back to my blog soon for the inauguration of my new site.

Marrying an INFP

have read your article entitled “Marrying an INFP”, see here.

A MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT ABOUT COMING UP TO EXPECTATIONS. IT IS FUNDAMENTALLY ABOUT MEETING EACH OTHERS MOST IMPORTANT EMOTIONAL NEEDS.



WE DO NOT MARRY BAD PEOPLE. WE MARRY THE WRONG PEOPLE.



MANY PEOPLE MOVE FROM RELATIONSHIP TO RELATIONSHIP, FAILING EACH TIME BECAUSE THEY DO NOY KNOW WHAT THEIR BEST MATCH IS IE WHAT THEY SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR.



I am an INFJ man married to an ISTJ woman and have pretty much the same issues as you. There is no deep connection at a soul/emotional level. I now have 3 grown up happy daughters and am thinking of leaving my marriage as I am not happy.



I spent decades operating on the principle “if my wife and family were not happy, then I could not be happy”, so I did absolutely everything I could do to make them happy. There is joy in giving, but you have to also have your needs met to be happy. About 5 years ago, I approached my wife and said that all I want out of the rest of my life is to have a passionate love affair with my wife till the day I die. Her response was stunned silence. About 4 years ago, I approached my wife again saying I had some issues with our relationship that I would like to talk about. She told me I was being “precious”. After that, the rose coloured glasses fell off and the idealised love I had for my wife evaporated. I still loved and cared for her, but I was no longer in love.



Over the recent years, intense conflict developed between me and my wife over some family issues. This was compounded late last year (2008), when I got retrenched. I ended up in some sort of post traumatic stress disorder and accidently met an ENFJ woman and fell into an affair. Like you, this meeting of souls had a profound affect on me, it was like an “emotional dam bursting”. I had found by complete accident my “twin flame”, my EVE. It was like she was just made for me. The meeting of mind and feeling was so profound and intense, it was like we had a psychic connection.



I was however completely uncomfortable with the affair since it broke my moral code, beliefs and values. It was also unfair to the woman, her needs were never going to be adequately met. She needed a proper loving relationship 24/7. And I was deeply in love with her (and she with me). So I did the “right thing”. I broke it off, confessed the truth to my wife with a view to either fix up the relationship or break it/separate. I went to a counsellor for help, my wife would not go but agreed to wipe the slate clean and start again.



I used the relationship management approach of Dr Harley ...see website..



http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html



This is an amazing website showing you how to have a successful marriage . Love is a behaviour and it shows what needs to happen in this regard. Essentially, the spouses have to ...

1. Remove love busters and practice the “policy of joint agreement”

2. Meet each others most important emotional needs

3. Practice the policy of undivided attention.....making sure you spend 15 hours a week together giving each other undivided attention

4. Practice radical honesty....about everything including how you feel about things your spouse does.



The upshot was , however, that I ended up doing most of the relationship management to restore the marriage. Dr Harley says that the spouse who had the affair fell out of love due at least in part to neglect etc from the other spouse. The other spouse has to do a lot of work to build the love bank units up again in the unfaithful spouse to bring them back into love. Instead, my wife claimed she was the injured party and I had to do the reparation work. She got everything she asked for. I haven’t to date.



I also believe in unconditional love ie giving without expecting something in return. This is the highest form of love as Christians say. In fact, Dr Harley says you can ask but not demand in a love relationship. Love is a free gift. Since the affair, relations with my wife have returned to a pleasant state although deep inside I have a big hole. We have sex almost every day and are pleasant companions. We fulfil again our duty to each other as spouses. We truly care for each other like old friends. IS THIS ENOUGH FOR HAPPINESS WHEN WHAT YOU NEED IS A PASSIONATE LOVE AFFAIR/DEEP CONNECTION WITH THE ONE YOU LOVE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?



But for me the deep soul/emotional connection is absent as it always has been. My wife does little that I ask for spontaneously. Synchronicity is largely absent.



I can continue with my duty oriented, caring “old friends” relationship into old age. Or seek my natural love type ie an ENFJ best fit, followed by INFJ, for a passionate, twin flame relationship for the rest of our lives. The emotional case is to exit, the business case is to stay, the ethics case is uncertain..



The ethics from my point of view is that, if you have done everything you can possibly do to make a relationship work over a very long time, and one or both spouses are unhappy, and the children have grown up and left, then there is no point in staying together. You can only make your spouse happy, if you are happy and vice versa. Its a SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIP. In fact, the only reason you should marry in the first place is because you can make your future spouse happy and you want to because you are in love.



Ultimately, with duty done with respect to children, if one or both of you are unhappy and no efforts can fix the situation, then you will ultimately make each other miserable by staying together. The initial pain of breakup will pass and each party will have the opportunity to seek the best partner next time.



AND THIS BEGS THE QUESTION, “WHO S THE BEST PARTNER”. Some say men often marry for looks and sex. Women for security/status/wealth.

My theory is as follows....for finding the right partner..

1. The must be physical attraction

2. There must be personality matching. It has now been shown that people who have the last 3 factors of the Myer Brigg indicator the same are natural “love types” and are happiest in a relationship. So for an INFP , their love type is ENFP best fit, them INFP. For an INFJ, their love type is an ENFJ best fit, then INFJ.

3. Next you need comparable intelligence and values alignment

4. And finally, a must, is also relationship management skills (ie as per Dr Harley approach) or capacity and willingness to develop such.



I note that you have at the bottom of your article a statement by an ENFJ saying their relationship with an ISTJ was miserable with no deep connection at all. I know quite a few ENFJs in this situation with ISTJ partners! We tend to get attracted to people who are largely opposite to us in personality, but over time, the differences become sources of conflict. Eg the J is always trying to organise and focus the Ps. The S just cannot understand the thinking of the N. For an ENFJ woman, their best fit is an INFJ man...but such men are the rarest type at 0.5% of men. So the ENFJ woman may find an ENFJ man more easily. The E vs I difference does not matter that much and in fact adds diversity. Its the last 3 factors that need to be the same for a deep connection soul mate.



It is interesting that Jesus Christ (an INFJ for sure) described marriage between a man and a woman as a soul union.....one in the sight of God. And he said that divorce was allowed by Moses because people were so hard hearted.



SOMEONE SAID THAT MOST MEN LEAD LIVES OF QUIET DESPERATION FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.



Anonymous INFJ Man

Best Description of Virgo Ever!

This is quite possibly te best ddescription of Virgo I've ever read ... by a client.

To the Virgo description:
I wish there was a way to get it across that Virgos aren't just critical of details, we're the lovers of them. I feel myself carrying the burden and the joy of loving things that other people can't even see. I love the flowers in the desert that are so tiny they can't be seen without a microscope. I love them and I want to see them. I love the spiders, and especially the little red spiders whose whole bodies aren't any larger than a period. I love the flowers not just the whole bunch in a bouquet, but the individual petals, not just the individual petals, but the lines in the petals. I love the whorls on the echinacea, and the points. I love the little rocks in the sand and I could look at every one: the beauty of those tiny little shards of stones means more to me than a mountain. Or even a mountain would be loved so much better in miniature -- if I could walk it and feel my foot on every stone, and smell the air, and feel the coolness of the stone, and the memories of each one. It seems to be misunderstood that all a Virgo is is a critic, and a critic of minutiae; the love part gets missed. For one to say that a Virgo would get crushed if the thing wasn't exactly right: would be to miss that a Virgo is ALSO soaring with joy and happiness when the tiniest of things is RIGHT.
Bring me home a single starlight mint, and I am more grateful than many people who have just been handed a diamond tiara.


Another example interpersonally: perhaps a non-Virgo needs the broad brush FULL acceptance of the FULL person, but a Virgo, at least THIS Virgo takes DELIGHT in a small, subtle expression of understanding and beams and glows. For example, when someone just said to me, "If you were an apple polisher" (meaning I wasn't) I took that as a very high compliment, and took happiness from this tiny implication). Or when you sent me an e-mail telling me not to worry, thus indicating that you had given some thought to who I am and what I feel, and what is going on, and said those words: that is a small detail that makes me
trust you, and you have my devotion and loyalty for that small thing.
In other words, I think Virgos are easy to please, if people would merely understand how easy.

I love you, Dad!

My dad used to have a few drinks and sing this song, a World War II song.